As a person who’s logged some substantial hours being comically single (but not anymore, sorry BOYS), I’ve found myself on the receiving end of a lot of shame and self-consciousness dealt out by a society that, for some reason, would really like to see women paired off sooner than later. Valentine’s Day, romcoms and even some more romantically bent commercials have left me feeling like one big raw nerve, due to the kind of feelings you feel when you’re being told you should definitely be in love instead of being single. But few things made me feel quite as inadequate as the infamous bouquet toss.
You’re already attending someone’s wedding. The physical manifestation of someone else’s successful love story. The point at which the love is at its prettiest and fairytale-est. And this is when you, a Single, are herded into a spectacle to compete, Hunger Games style, for the chance to beg The Bouquet Gods to please release you from this prison of undesirability. Or, at least, that’s how it made me feel. After being at a fair number of weddings where bridesmaids cheerfully (and with sportsmanlike conduct) grasped for the bouquet—as well as ones where the flowers hit the floor (oof)—I thought it was safe to assume there are a lot of varied opinions about this particular tradition.
Does the bouquet toss have to be a symbol of dread for single women the world over? Is it a matter of perception or audience? Should it be abolished, does it need to be innovated, or is it, ultimately, just a bunch of flowers? I talked to several ladies smarter than me who have been in, or sometimes above, the bouquet trenches, to ask their thoughts.
Source: InstagramAmy, 32
Amy has been the only single girl at a number of weddings over the last five years—not counting the three she’ll be in this month—and her recollections of the bouquet toss were even less warm than mine. “It’s extremely uncomfortable when everyone physically pushes me up to catch the bouquet with an entire crowd staring,” she says.
Amy adds that her priorities are in different places, and she doesn’t see why she should be expected to get married right away—or catch the bouquet, which feels like the same thing. Over time, she says she’s learned to sense when the toss is coming and take the opportunity to go to the restroom or hide in the back. “Once, a bouquet fell into my hands and I let it fall to the ground pretending I couldn’t catch—even though I played competitive softball for 15 years.”
Amory, 25
Amory says her perception of the toss has changed since she got into a serious relationship. The meaning of it has changed significantly, she says, with the shift from getting married seeming impossible to being incredibly possible. “It used to seem inconsequential and would presumably result in some smiles and laughter if I caught it while single,” but she feels an added burden of others’ perceptions now that she’s in a relationship. “It would take on a greater meaning to others and therefore be a more awkward situation to navigate.” She thinks the bouquet toss can be just as tricky for women who are in relationships as it is for single women because of—and not to sound too much like Dennis from It’s Always Sunny—the implication. Not all women really feel like they’re in a position to wave the symbol of “soon-to-be-married” at their new partners.
Amory remembers one toss, in particular, where a few women seemed to freeze when they were about to catch the bouquet, becoming suddenly conscious of their partners who were also at the wedding. “It was amusing to me how seriously they took the symbolic meaning to be in the moment,” she says. “But now, I kind of get it.”
April, 33
April says she gets all the reasons people hate the tradition or find it insulting, “but I take the position that they can be fun.” She once found herself at a wedding where the dozen or so single ladies didn’t even reach for the bouquet, letting it fall to the ground. “Nobody moved to pick it up, so I grabbed it and made a very showy, gloaty football-touchdown-style celebration that the photographer got all on camera. I look like a mad woman celebrating a wrestling victory. It was hilarious, and the bride told me it was one of her favorite moments.” She spent the rest of the night teasing her then-boyfriend, who’s now her husband. “It worked!” she says.
Source: InstagramAnna, 36
Anna’s gotten into a similar competitive spirit but for different reasons. “Before same sex marriage was legal, I would aggressively snatch bouquets during the toss, to ensure the demise of heteronormativity,” she laughs. (I for one, would like to see the bouquet toss rebranded as a tactical political move more often.)
Aubrey, 24
Aubrey, who got married this past year, said she’s always been a fan of the bouquet toss. “I like that it brings attention to the single ladies at the wedding and gives them a moment of camaraderie,” she says. She saw it as a moment to honor and celebrate her unmarried friends rather than as any sort of commentary on their marital status. She also wanted a chance to let her younger relatives make the same fun memories she had as a child. “I enjoyed taking part in the bouquet toss as a kid and wanted my younger cousins to experience it too.”
Ramona, 29
A lot of brides have found ways to ensure the toss is a blessing for the ones closest to them. Ramona told StyleCaster about her small, secret wedding at the Beverly Hills courthouse. “Only my best friend was there as our witness/maid of honor.” She says her friend brought a bouquet, “which was very sweet of her. Of course, I tossed it so she could catch it—because she was really hoping to get engaged to her boyfriend.”
Source: InstagramMariana, 42
Some like the tradition, but wanted to take steps to parse it from any inference that “married as fast as possible” is what every woman wants to be. Mariana says she wanted to keep the bouquet toss for the sake of tradition but wanted to disconnect from the sentiment behind it. “While I’m happily married,” she says, ” I didn’t want to send the message that I felt all women should be married, because everyone makes the choices that are right for them.”
Instead, she decided to have all the married women up to do the toss in their honor because “I would look to them as role models for my marriage.” She says she knew it was the right choice “when I saw all the smiles from the women in the room (and the looks of relief from single ones)!”
Karen, 41
Karen decided to give the bouquet to her mother to honor her. “Plus,” she says, “We had many happily single friends at our wedding and didn’t want to put them on the spot.”
Irina, 38
Irina chose to even the playing field a bit by including male attendees in the bouquet toss. She all her unmarried friends line up for the skirmish, and “I nailed one of my guy friends in the crotch.”
Source: InstagramBecca, 24
Becca, who’s getting married later this year, says she’s considering including her male friends in the toss as well. “The whole tradition is that catching the bouquet brings good luck to whomever catches it and that they’re next in line to get married. But men also participate in the whole marriage thing, so why shouldn’t they get a crack at the bouquet?”
Heather, 44
Heather thinks the bouquet tradition might be a better fit for younger groups, where an abundance of singles is less likely to make anyone feel called out. She says she’s noticed fewer and fewer singles coming forward at weddings, and that half the people participating at her own wedding were children. “I loved the tradition when I was younger, and I think that a wedding where there are a lot of single friends is a good place to do it, but if you’re older or it’s mostly family, it might be better to skip it.”
Cathy, 53
Cathy agrees with Heather’s assessment. She was the first in her friend group to get married and she said there was a good enough pool of singles it didn’t seem to her there was any weird pressure in doing the toss. “I could imagine a situation where, if you had a friend who really wanted to get married and was dating someone who hadn’t asked her, it might be awkward, but there weren’t any weird undertones like that.” She says the potentially problematic message of the toss didn’t occur to her at the time, but she could see how some single women might not appreciate the stereotype of desperate women beating each other senseless for the bouquet. “That,” she says, “I have more of a different opinion than I did at the time.”
When Cathy got married, she didn’t see the bouquet as anything more than another wedding tradition. “I was big on traditions so my wedding had the traditional things in it.” The bouquet was another box to tick off, “like, had the white dress, had the something borrowed, had the something blue, the something old, the something new, and I threw the bouquet.”
If she was getting married again would she include the toss? “Well, all my friends are married now, so who the hell would catch it?” She laughs. “Like am I wishing a divorce on you so you get married again?” She says she still thinks it’s a fun tradition, but wouldn’t do it if she thought it would be hurtful to anyone present. “The tradition’s not more important than caring for my friends.” She says it’s hard to know what she’d do. “24-year-old me and 53-year-old me don’t do things the same way, but she was very sweet.”
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